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Here’s my annual Love Island quiz – be thoroughly ashamed if you get them all right

MORE than 5,000 complaints to Ofcom later, Love Island’s 2022 winners were declared to be Ekin-Su and Davide, and with that their destiny was sealed.

Dancing On Ice and Celebrity MasterChef, if it goes well.

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Love Island’s 2022 winners were declared to be Ekin-Su and DavideCredit: Rex

Ex On The Beach and Apocalypse Wow! if it doesn’t.

Scant reward for saving the series and helping ITV pocket about £100million in advertising fees.

For all its many faults and lack of conscience, though, I hope the Love Island juggernaut keeps rolling and avoids any bone-brained calls to include plus-sized contestants, which would prevent everyone from laughing at “the beautiful people” and kill the show dead in a second.

Without this last great, pouting bastion of political incorrectness, TV would be even more insufferably bland and preachy than it is right now.

I was on Love Island and I had secret connections that you DIDN'T see on TV
Love Island's Indiyah meets Dami's family within hours of returning home

And yes, I’d also have no way of filling my column with the annual Love Island quiz.

Answers at the bottom of the page. Be thoroughly ashamed of yourself if you get them all right.

1) DAY one, what did Paige claim was her favorite sex position?

A) The broken eagle.
B) The paraplegic penguin.
C) The fractured cockatoo.

2) WHAT did a sobbing Jacques say he’d be doing when Paige arrived back at the airport?

A) Serving her a flapjack at Costa Coffee in the arrivals hall.
B) Picking her up.
C) Following her and Adam home from a discreet distance.

3) ON his arrival, Ikenna said: “I don’t really need to try too much with women. My record in one night is 15 to 20.” But how many did he attract in the villa?
A) 15-20
B) More than 20.
C) None.

4) COMPLETE Gemma’s introductory sentence. “I like my boys like my horses. . .”

A) “Tall, dark and they let me be in charge.”
B) “Short, blond and a bit controlling.”
C) “Dead, processed and in a tin of dog food.”

5) WHAT quality did Summer say she wanted in a man?

A) Humility and a sense of humour.
B) A sunny disposition and charm.
C) Big dick energy.

6) WHAT did a stunned Gemma claim Dami had done for “ten seconds” on the July 26 episode?

A) Talked without mumbling.
B) Spoke to Indiyah without either of them saying “like” or “literally”.
C) Farted.

7) WHAT does Luca have tattooed on his right shoulder

A) Albert Einstein.
B) Albert Steptoe.
C) His own name and a forwarding address in case he forgets.

8) WHAT did Gemma tell Afia she’d be prepared to lick for £2,000?

A) A pig’s bum.
B) A horse’s ass.
C) Billy.

9) WHAT did Indiyah perform at Love Island’s memorable “talent show” contest?

A) Rachmaninoff’s piano concerto in D minor, on a Steinway.
B) Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, on a recorder.
C) The Indian rope trick, on Dami’s donger.

10) WHAT heinous thing did Luca, Davide and Dami do to provoke more than 1,500 complaints to Ofcom on Day 43?

A) They sacrificed a goat in a devil-worshipping ceremony by the fire pit.
B) They swore an eternal oath of allegiance to Italy’s former fascist dictator Benito Mussolini, in Casa Amor.
C) They pied Tasha three times in the Snog Marry Pie game.

11) WHAT Turkish food item did Ekin-Su modestly compare herself to, when talking to Davide?

A) A mutton doner kebab.
B) Goat’s cheese dumplings.
C) Turkish delight.

12) Who left after just five days?

A) Charlie.
B) Liam.
C) Andrew’s dignity.

13) WHAT distinguishing mark did Dami boast he’s got?

A) A heart-shaped birthmark on his penis.
B) A penis-shaped birthmark on his heart.
C) A sad-faced emoji tattooed on his scrotum.

And finally, smart asses. . .

14) WHO were the first two people to arrive at the villa?

A) Amber and Indiyah
B) Paige and Indiyah.
C) Tasha and Gemma.

Unexpected morons in the bagging area

THE Chase, Bradley Walsh: “What large mammals perform trunk shakes when they meet?”

Joanna: “Dolphins.”

Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “In terms of area, which of the Channel Islands is the largest?”

Jack: “The Falklands.”

Ben Shephard: “The coastal holiday resort of Benidorm is located in which European country?”

Raffa: “Croatia.”

Random irritations

THE Good Morning Britain caption-writing moron who thinks “Itallian” is spelt with two Ls.

This Morning lumbering us with Matthew Wright and Gyles Brandreth on the same couch.

The ever-unhelpful Dave channel threatening to revive Mock The Week’s ugly corpse.

And an EastEnders doctor breaking the terrible Mitchell-related news that: “Ben’s conscious – his vital signs are good and we’ve managed to take the tube out”, just at the point I was really hoping they’d killed off the tube forever .


AND finally, Lenny Henry, flanked by Shazia Mirza and Joe Lycett at the Commonwealth Games: Opening Ceremony – “Good evening Birmingham! It’s time to do what we do best.” Anyone?


PC gang playing games

NEVER, in all my days, I have been as happy to see Duran Duran as I was, last Thursday night.

The headline act was a merciful release from all the hypocritical sermonizing, at the Commonwealth Games: Opening Ceremony which started with a poem outlining the evils of Empire and ended with Tom Daley bollocking 35 mostly Third World countries for not being more “on message” about homosexuality.

Tom Daley at the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth Games

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Tom Daley at the opening ceremony of the Commonwealth GamesCredit: Getty

A howling irony that could’ve been avoided if they’d just laid off the self-loathing for three hours.

The night, however, was lost to the cult of woke and its sliding scale of historical victimhood, most graphically illustrated when a bunch of woebegone-looking wenches dragged a large mechanical bull into Birmingham’s Alexander Stadium as Hazel Irvine explained: “These underpaid and overworked women were responsible for making some of the slave trade’s chain. . . but they too were enslaved by their terrible circumstances.”

A misfortune, it should go without saying, that wasn’t the fault of any single living person in Britain – surely the only country on Earth where some would see creating the industrial revolution as a neverending source of shame and regret.

If you think the woke cultists are going to go away, though, you haven’t understood that TV, the civil service and business world are now over-run by mediocrities who keep chanting the “diversity, equality, inclusion” mantra. Not just because their egos and mortgages depend on it and they can’t do anything else, but for the most mind-blowing reason of all.

They get a genuine kick out of trashing their own country.


ON Monday’s hastily re-edited EastEnders, the BBC broadcast its (semi) official position on England’s successful women’s Euro team via the medium of Kim Fox: “This has changed everything. The game, women’s sport, little girls everywhere. Every single one of them is a role model.”

So they’re no longer “too white” for the BBC’s vile, Guardian-reading prejudices? Well that’s handy, isn’t it. . .


Great sporting insights

IAN WRIGHT: “This is what those girls were dreaming of. They couldn’t even have dreamt of this.”

Rachel Brown-Finnis: “The thing with German teams is they always play in the German league.”

Vicki Sparks: Finally, those three words that we have spurned throughout this tournament, ‘It’s home’.”

(Compiled by Graham Wray)

TV Gold

ONLY two programs I watched this week came close to deserving the title “TV Gold”.

The first was The Newsreader, a superior Australian throwback-to-the-Eighties drama that’s made a welcome transfer to BBC2.

The other was Channel 4’s superb Night Coppers who, when they’re not struggling with the human wreckage of another lost night out in Brighton and their own sanity, are just as desperate as everyone else for a kebab and a slash. Watch it (Channel 4, Tuesday, 9pm).

They may even change your opinion of the police.


AT THE Commonwealth Games: Opening Ceremony, Andrew Cotter: “Charles and Camilla arrive in an Aston Martin. I should say quickly, it now runs on a combination of a by-product of wine manufacture and the fermentation of whey from making cheese.”

The car or Camilla?

Camilla and Charles arrive at the Commonwealth Games

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Camilla and Charles arrive at the Commonwealth GamesCredit: AP

GREAT TV lies and delusions of the week. Ekin-Su: “Whoa! Love Island 2022, woman-empowering.”

And Love Island, Luca: “I’m not someone to take a cheap shot just because Adam and Paige have only been here five minutes,” he said, taking a cheap shot.

PENNIES have started to drop on Spooked Scotland (the Really channel), inside Main Castle, where paranormal BS merchant Chris Fleming this week admitted: “The thing I was concerned about was something attaching itself to Gail [Porter] that’s making her feel uncomfortable.” Chris, you’re getting warmer.


Lookalike of the week

Horst the chef from Ratatouille, right, and Wayne Rooney, left

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Horst the chef from Ratatouille, right, and Wayne Rooney, left

THIS week’s winner is Wayne Rooney and Horst the chef from Ratatouille.

I got 0.5mm of lip filler but regret it so much, I look like a duck
Mum-of-22 Sue Radford shows reality of motorhome holiday with her kids

Sent in by Michele M.

Winning entry receives £65 and a copy of You Dirty Old Man, the authorized biography of Wilfrid Brambell, by David Clayton.

Love Island quiz answers

1)a. 2) b. 3) c. 4) a. 5) c. 6c. 7) a. 8) b. 9)b 10)c. 11) c. 12) b. 13) a. 14) b.

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