Pricey Amy: I’m the daddy of 4 sons, divorced from their alcoholic mom 17 years in the past when the boys have been very younger. All of my sons are actually of their 20s.
Shortly after my divorce, I discovered from good friend of my ex that she started her lengthy streak of infidelities throughout the first yr of our marriage.
I used to be conscious throughout my marriage that she was “spending time” with male co-workers, together with one man particularly, throughout a time period which coincides with the conception of certainly one of my sons.
This explicit son doesn’t resemble his brothers. His bodily traits of him strongly resemble the male co-worker that I believe his mother of him was having a relationship with.
I’ve questioned for years whether or not I’m his organic father.
For each his sake and mine, and for quite a few different causes, I’ve thought of discussing this with him or getting DNA testing finished.
I can not focus on this with my sons’ mother, as a result of I’ll by no means get the reality.
Is it mistaken to debate this with my son and/or get DNA assessments to substantiate or deny my organic connection to him?
What’s your recommendation?
—Heartsick within the Heartland
Pricey Heartsick: It is not essentially mistaken to attempt to focus on this concern along with your son, however if you happen to do, it’s best to put together your self for a variety of reactions from him—from doable aid to rejection.
It’s best to intently look at your entire motives for wanting to find out his DNA.
This type of DNA revelation might be extraordinarily destabilizing, not just for a person, however for your entire household system — together with his relationship along with his mom and his three brothers.
I at all times advocate for a person’s proper to know the reality about their DNA, however to your son, having this query imposed upon him by a mother or father — versus his alternative to analyze on his personal — might be very robust for him. (And — if you happen to make this allegation and also you two are confirmed to be biologically associated, what then?)
I recommend that you’ve your individual DNA examined. See the place that effort takes you. In case your grownup sons have already had their very own DNA examined, your loved ones connection (or lack of connection) could be revealed by the testing database.
Pricey Amy: My boyfriend simply proposed to me. I joyfully accepted, after which 4 hours later I came upon that my grandmother died.
It was sudden and painful.
I’m having a tough time feeling the enjoyment I feel I’m alleged to be feeling proper now.
Due to the upcoming funeral, my fiance and I’ll get to see relations that I’ve not seen shortly, and I do not know if that is the time to inform them of our engagement, although I think about some could discover my ring.
I really feel responsible once I really feel any quantity of happiness about being engaged due to the grief I nonetheless really feel from dropping my grandmother. And I fear about sharing the information.
My query is, ought to I maintain off telling my household in regards to the engagement till everybody has had time to grieve the lack of my grandmother?
Would sharing the engagement overshadow the celebration of life we must be specializing in?
And if I wait, ought to I disguise my ring so as to not carry any consideration to it?
—Grief and Pleasure
Pricey Grief and Pleasure: I am so sorry you’re experiencing this very robust loss.
I feel it’s best to inform your rapid household about your engagement now (if you have not, already).
Do not make any type of public announcement throughout or after your grandmother’s memorial, however do not disguise your ring, both.
If folks ask about your ring, it’s best to affirm your engagement and permit them to congratulate you. This blissful information reminds everybody that good issues proceed to occur, even throughout in any other case robust occasions.
A few weeks after the funeral, you may announce your information to a wider circle, and on social media.
I hope it’ll present some consolation to grasp that your grandmother would have wished you to expertise pleasure and pleasure.
Pricey Amy: I very a lot object to your sympathetic response to “In search of Love,” the 72-year-old husband who hasn’t had intercourse along with his spouse for 20 years.
I’m a person in his age group, additionally in a really lengthy marriage. Intimacy entails extra than simply intercourse, and if he has been on this sexless marriage for this lengthy, in my view, that is on him.
—Completely happy Husband
Pricey Completely happy: Effectively put. Thanks.
(You may electronic mail Amy Dickinson at firstname.lastname@example.org or ship a letter to Ask Amy, PO Field 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can too observe her on Twitter @askingamy or Fb.)
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